Crash Is Back – R.I.P. Jani Lane & Robin Williams
As Jesse James Dupree of Jackyl sings, “Here I am, back again, bigger than life and twice as ugly!”
Today is bittersweet! Bitter for the fact today is the 7th anniversary of my dear friend Jani Lane’s passing as well as the 4th anniversary of the passing of Robin Williams. It also reminds me of losing someone very dear to me to suicide this past February but I shall cherish and celebrate her memory until I draw my final breath! However, it is sweet as it brings my return to my biggest passions, music and writing! I didn’t plan on today being the day I’d publish my 1st review or interview in two years. I noticed that I’d published a few things in the tail end of 2016 into the first few months of 2017 but honestly, I have ZERO recollection of writing them!
At the end of this “editorial” you’ll find a piece I wrote about Jani and Robin on the night that Robin passed away four years ago. I originally published it on my Facebook and on my personal blog but felt compelled to share it here on the home that Moon has allowed me to mumble about for the past 5 years!
Moon…..Thanks for all you’ve done for me! Love ya bro!
Back in March 2016 I became really ill and it took three months for doctor’s to figure out what was initially wrong. Unfortunately due to the incompetence of one doctor it lead to a massive avalanche of other illnesses that I will deal with until the Grim Reaper knocks upon my door! According to the doctor’s, he should have already arrived but thankfully I moved a few times over the past year and forgot to leave a forwarding address!
For over a year I was in-and-out of ICU’s and after that I was bedridden with home health care watching after me. Due to a serious of strokes on top of being immobile for over a year, I had to re-learn how to walk plus my brain has a few “glitches” that affected my speech and writing. I’ve been working on both in order to be here sharing this with you so please bear with me!
In the coming weeks, I’ll have interviews with Chris Robertson of Black Stone Cherry, Nathan Hunt of Shaman’s Harvest and Chip Z’Nuff of Enuff Z’Nuff as well as album reviews on the new releases from Enuff Z’Nuff, Billy F. Gibbons, Blackberry Smoke and The Outlaw Orchestra.
Back to the point of this article…. While incarcerated in my own body and mind throughout 2016/2017, I contemplated or attempted suicide twice. The first time was in late 2016, I’d given up and was hoping to fall asleep & “wake up dead”. Due to fluid retention brought on by pneumonia, I’d swelled up to 598 pounds at my documented largest point.
My brother, sister-in-law, nephew and other mother were having to help me with going to the bathroom & the “aftermath” to spare you gory details. I quit taking the high-powered diuretics that were supposed to alleviate the fluid build-up and ceased taking my other medicines meant to help. My nephew caught on to what I was up to as well as my mental state and put his proverbial boot in my ass & called for an ambulance to haul my fat ass back to Cardiac ICU thus saving my life.
While there, I was fired from my job of ten years courtesy of a text message with no “thank you for your service and we hope you get well” …just a cold-hearted “as of December 31st, your position will be terminated! Signed Sheriff Dickhead McBackstabber”. If you’re reading this, how’d it feel to get your ass handed to you by the town drunk in the last election? Karma is a bitch!
Fast forward two months to February 7th 2017 and I received a call that as a result of the previous 11 months worth of health issues, I had CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and end-stage liver failure & I would not make my 40th birthday in 15 months! In March 2017, I decided that being bedridden and on the various meds I was on that I’d quit taking them to speed up the aforementioned Grim Reapers’ arrival. If I would have had access to a gun, I would have went that route but thankfully, I no longer had my gun.
Thankfully, I never allowed the doctors to put me on ANY opiates or opioids. I’ve been anti-drug my whole life due to seeing the effects they’ve had on friends and family, that includes the ol’ hippy lettuce, jazz cabbage, reefer aka marijuana BUT thanks to the benefits I’ve discovered in non-THC CBD oils & pills, I’ve softened by stance on marijuana but until it is legalized medically where I live, I’ll continue to abstain.
In mid-April 2017, I started noticing drastic weight loss and increased mobility. Walking was still a struggle due to muscle loss causing weakness and balance issues due to the strokes but I was mobile dammit & noticed a lil bounce in my giddy-up both physically & mentally! To hell with the doctors and specialists, if my time was limited, I was going to enjoy the rest of my time & was hell-bent on getting back to work. It took another 9 months but I finally landed a job & dropped over 300 pounds from December 2016 to today, August 11th 2018.
I’m “smaller” than I was prior to getting sick and wearing clothes I haven’t been able to buy since High School & I just celebrated my 40th birthday in May so “suck on that, Doc!” I’m glad that my two suicide attempts failed! I’ve got a new lease on life! It has allowed my to re-connect with my estranged brother Greg, re-connect with many old chums in WaKeeney, KS. as well as made new friends: Hello Ashley, Kaitlyn & ValVal!
It also brought an old friend, Luke back in my life who took me in after I lost my savings and retirement funds & lost my car to a drunk driver while I slept. He gave me a place to sleep, paid for my fat ass to eat from November 2017 until January 2018 when I FINALLY landed a job & he’s allowed me to live in his home rent free, use his car and spoil his dog since! Thank you, Luke, I am forever indebted to your generosity and hope to re-pay you one day, somehow, someway!
To my parents: Omar and Dorothy, my family here in Kansas & in California, Josh, Crystal, Andrew, Bret, Parker and Jesse; Gina and her family, and all my friends…..THANK YOU for sticking by me and for all the emotional & financial support over the last 2 years!
I also need to thank Brit and Charlie & the rest of the Blackberry Smoke band & organization, Mike Dupke, Robert Mason, Patrick Briggs, Carol Kaye, Big John & Chip Z’Nuff! They know why and I’ll leave it at that!
Next week, I’m interviewing and testing for a job in the profession that has brought me the most heartache in December & the most joy professionally since 2005, Law Enforcement. If I land the job, it’ll be a BIG step towards getting my own place and getting a new car! So PLEASE, cross your fingers, cast a spell, say a prayer or send some good juju my way over the next week!
I tried to give up twice in two years but am now grateful for the lessons and hardships of the last 2 years! Crash is back & it feels damn good. So as Mötley Crüe once sang, on with the show….
Originally published on August 11, 2014……
The Hell That Is Depression – RIP Jani and Robin
As my day winds down, I’m in awe of how surreal it has been! I remember two men who have provided me many great memories. I never met Robin Williams but how could anyone not feel like the knew him? Sadly, both these men battled alcohol or drug demons & even worse, they battled depression!!!
This is the 3rd anniversary of the passing of one of my childhood hero’s who later became a friend and one of my biggest supporters/cheerleaders when it came to my journalistic endeavors, Mr. Jani Lane.
Anyone wishing to celebrate Jani’s legacy are asked to go to the ONLY Facebook page approved, endorsed and ran by his family, JUST FOR JANI LANE! All other pages are fan pages or ran by people with ulterior motives!
EVERY TIME I interview someone or write a review, I think of what Jani said to me following our 1st interview in 2007 & I use those words to inspire me to do the best I can to live up to his compliment!!!
((HUGS)) to his sister Vicky!!!
To Jani…..I MISS YA BOSS!!!
Earlier this afternoon, the world got the news of Robin Williams suicide. The news floored me!!! Thank you Robin for all the laughs & rest easy because you are now at peace!!!
Depression is a cold hearted bitch. Yes, medicines can sometimes help but overall, they are like putting a Band-Aid on cancer! Those who suffer from depression often hide their pain from others, I know because I have been guilty of this throughout my 25+ year battle with depression.
Many people do not understand those that are depressed or who commit suicide. I’ve lost loved ones who were depressed to suicide & to be honest, I’ve thought ending my life would be easier than continuing the fight that is life and the illness of depression. I’d love to punch those that say those who commit suicide are selfish cowards or they will rot in hell!!! Until you’ve battled crippling depression or a terminal illness, shut the f*ck up!!! SPEND A DAY IN THEIR SHOES & THEN RUN YOUR MOUTH!!!
Thankfully, writing provides an outlet for my feelings & thoughts in the form of journals. Most importantly, I have a wonderful support system of friends and family who can see through the facade I put on.
If you are depressed…..please tell someone…..talk, talk, talk and be honest about how you’re feeling….DO NOT WASTE THE TIME OF THOSE LISTENING BY BULLSHITTING THEM!!! SEEK & GET HELP PLEASE!!!
Suicide Prevention Lifeline Website
Or CALL 1-800-273-8255
Around the corner is a new day!!!
Category: Opinions/Editorials
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